I think my teenager is having sex
The realisation that your teenager may be having a sex can be one of the most difficult issues for parents to deal with and can open up a whole catalogue of issues for both parent and teenager.
If your son or daughter is under 16 there is no denying the fact they have committed an illegal act, not to mention the worry of STI’s (sexually transmitted infections), the risk of pregnancy and a whole roller-coaster of other emotions to deal with.
If you normally have a good level of communication with your teenager, the whole area of sex may have already come up in conversation. However, if your teenager has become a ‘closed book’ and most levels of communication are proving to be difficult, you will need to think carefully about what strategies you can put in place to provide support and guidance as well as establishing acceptable boundaries within which to work.
Accept the fact your teenager is growing up
Talking to a friend recently about how independent her two year old is becoming, I was amused to hear her say that she would not allow her daughter out of her sight when she became a teenager as she remembered all the things she got up to herself and got away with (as far as her parents were concerned!).
As they enter their teens, your offspring will be experimenting with their ideas, finding out who they are, developing opinions which are often different from your own and generally pushing the boundaries. All of this is normal and if we accept that our teenager is on a path of discovery and listen to what they have to say rather than raising objections, the chances are they will express their feelings more openly.
Treat your teenager as an equal
Teenagers frequently choose not to acknowledge that their parents can still enjoy an active sex life and just as we may have found it embarrassing to discuss the facts of life with our children, young people are often too scared to ask for help in case their sex lives become known to their parents.
So although it probably goes against what is going on inside you, try to accept that if they have committed to sleeping with someone (depending on the circumstances), they are mature enough to accept responsibility for their actions and to discuss the way forward in as calm a way as possible, rather than entering into a heated argument about the whys and wherefores.
Separate the act from the emotions
Quite often parents and teenagers misinterpret what is being said to each other. As parents we have experienced many things in our lives which have made us the people we are today and this includes all the mistakes we have made along the way. However, your teenager is just embarking on this journey. They also have to be allowed to learn from their experiences and their mistakes whilst having a sound moral and value base to work from.
As parents we worry that having sex at a young age will cheapen our teenagers’ respectability, cause an unwanted pregnancy and all the problems that will bring and the risk of catching an STI such as Chlamydia, which is known to damage fertility and cause other health problems. Our teenager, on the other hand, may assume that you are angry with the fact they have had sex and not considered any of the above.
So calmly reason with your teenager, without staging the conversation. Tell them that you know they have to learn, that you love them and you just want the best for them.
Peer and media pressure versus parents
All through their lives your children have learnt to develop at their own pace; they talk, walk and learn to ride a bike when they are ready. Having sex is no different. However, many teenage magazines and television programmes promote a menu of sexual activity and are often accessed by much younger children, thus teaching them to think about sex before they are physically and emotionally ready.
There is also peer pressure to conform although quite often there is more bravado than actual fact. Sadly the concept of sex has been cheapened by many young people. Many teenagers I have taught often see sex as a recreational activity that ‘everyone does’ as a means of companionship, one-upmanship and gaining credibility from their peers.
Try to impress upon your teenager that they will know when they are ready to make this big commitment and to only succumb when it is what they feel comfortable with and with someone they have mutual respect. Also, If they are mature enough to have sex, they should accept responsibility for practising safe sex and taking the necessary precautions.
What if my daughter is pregnant?
This is where you need to be proactive rather than reactive. You need to stay calm and separate the issue from the person even though your initial reaction is bound to be one of shock and anger. Once reality kicks in that this is for real and not just a scare, you need to listen to your daughter and let them know that you are there to support them. You can help by giving her information and discussing her options but in the end she needs to make a decision that feels right for her.
If your son’s girlfriend is pregnant he too might have strong feelings about the pregnancy. Help him by listening and encouraging him to talk to his girlfriend. Whatever her decision he may feel better able to support her if he’s had a chance to express his views.
Consult with the experts; your GP will give advice on terminations and services for teenage mothers and there are organisations such as
No one said being a parent is easy and the whole area of sex and its implications can be a tricky one to deal with. Remember to talk to your teenager calmly, make your opinions known but encourage them to express theirs and concentrate on the way forward rather than dwelling on what has happened. Although you might want them to share your point of view, you should encourage them to make up their own minds as this is all part of their transition into adult life.
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